Extremely...

WHY?????

1) WHY I am so stubborn and still putting up hopes on the unachievable?! The unattainable!!! The unacceptable!!!

2) WHY I just suddenly realised that I would spend my Winter Break doing assignments and all those heavy stuffs?! Is it really a holiday after all?!

3) WHY some people are so damned good in managing money while I always noticed that I would end up worrying about money in the end of the day?!

4) WHY some people could be loved so much by others even though deep down only ALLAH knows that they are just plain acting to love in return?!

5) WHY is it so hard for me accept the fact that life is not perfect?! ALLAH knows what is best for me and all of us. JUST ACCEPT IT, PLEASE!!!

WHY??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

new resolution... an agreement is on the way...

It seems that every week in my life here, new revelations will appear. Some are saddening while some others are an eye-opening. Come to think of it, none of them make me more happy. But, come to think of it, happy on this Finite Earth is very limited and is absolutely nothing compared to the real happiness THERE. Most of the revelations that appear make me more resolute and determined to achieve my planned goal. The only things that I can do now is to keep on striving and trying my best despite the challenges that came and will come .

Here is a warning for me and those DISTRACTORS. Please leave my goals alone. I need to achieved them. I have nothing else except them. Please do not take them away from me. They make my life more bearable and endurable (with Allah's permission of course). So, please, leave them alone... I need them... Unlike some of you, I have nothing else...

5th week...

Mixture of hues this week it seems,
in the dark of morning, the darkness seems even darker,
the rainbow peeks through the gloomy sky, at last,
it is not a rainbow actually, just colourful flowers and leaves waiting to wilt.


Glaring enviously at the pair of butterfly that keep on dancing euphorically under the bright merry sun,
yet the invisible wall hinders the desire, to move as such,
though illusions keep on enticing the suppressed soul of self,
in the end, winter persist forever it seems,
to avoid the existence of the sweetness of flowers.


The mirror reflects an irony,
truth that never dawned before,
the sound of grappling and drowning,
for the fresh breeze of serenity.


How long will this winter last,
no one knows except the Know It All,
hope fuel the remaining steps,
towards uncertainty...

Sunday Oct 25th 2009

Today:

1) I try cooking fried rice for the first time. Maybe some of you would say 'What's the big deal'. But to me, it is a big deal. It is my first step to explore the world of cooking [WHAT AN EXAGGERATION!]. I simply try out the recipe given to me by my friend. I had to keep on looking on that piece of paper constantly for fear of making mistakes and end up cooking something else instead. The part that I cannot forget the most is when my eyes got all watery while cutting the onion and while frying them. It was excruciatingly painful (even now while I am typing). Tears running down river-like. Please give me tips regarding this particular step in cooking.

2) I noticed lately that my mind is busy thinking about A, B, and C. I even dreamed about them constantly. I know that I cannot even think of A. But my mind simply refuse to let the idea go. I have been contemplating about B quite a lot and fortunately it is something attainable. But, to attain it, I have to make certain sacrifices that I am not that sure I am capable of doing. C is a special matter. I have been thinking about it since I was in school till now. I wonder when I will ever stop thinking about it. I guess until I can solve it.

3) Constantly being left alone in the house feels rather weird. Should I go and join them. But I am not sure whether I can cope with the guilt of leaving my books behind. Unfortunately, all my books are big in size and hence hinders me from carrying them around all the times. How can I travel and at the same time have my books by my side? Any suggestions anyone?

Still adapting... etc...

I wonder why I am damned lazy to update this blog nowadays. I guess now I am still adapting to my new life here in Coventry. There are several issues that I am feeling rather uncertain about...

1) I thought I had travelled to a new country and start a new life, but, guess what, most of the things are still the same. IPIP lecturers are HERE (in different forms). Bloody scary man! The similarities!

2) I thought that once I left IPIP, I would not encounter the term "CULTURE" again. But here I am again, writing, reading and THINKING about CULTURE! Really, once I finished the course (luckily only for one year) I should be able to have a degree in CULTURE myself. Imagine, 3 years of CULTURE (2 years in Ipoh, 1 year here) already! That is equal to a degree! And yet I am still on my third week of my first years of my degree. :(

3) The same problem persists again. I wonder when it will ever end. Why it is so difficult for me to understand the notion that some things in this life is impossible to achieve. Some things are not supposed to be achieved. Why in the world I am so stubborn?! And KAMAL, you are not helping the situation! You are suppose to guide, not entice me even more. I expect better of you! Izla will kill you if he knows what you are doing right now!

4) Why when I am busy reading somewhere outside the privacy of my room (eg. in the bus, bus stop, etc...) someone is bound to disturb me. Honestly, it is very annoying you know when I am reading and you guys just out of sudden came up and ask me what is the title of the book. The irony is, when I am not reading, not many are keen to start a conversation. SO, NEXT TIME, IF YOU SAW ME READING, PLEASE REFRAIN FROM DISTURBING MY FOCUS ON THE BOOK (unless it is very necessary to do so). Really sorry for being rude here... but reading is the only time I could explore the unexplored...

5) Many people have criticised my decision of not going anywhere while I am studying here. I know that you guys mean well, but, I think I know what I am doing you know. I am not that good at multitasking, unlike you guys. I cannot feel happy to do anything else unless I finished all my work (which seems never ending). Besides, I have my own mission. I have my own plan. I appreciate you guys' invitation, but I am not ready yet. Maybe one day... [AND THIS APPLY TO ALL MY DECISIONS THAT SOME OF YOU HAVE BEEN BUSILY TRYING TO CHANGE, PLEASE! ] THIS IS MY LIFE!!!

I CAN ASK FOR HELP WHEN I NEED IT!

Experience in UK so far...

Honestly, I am feeling ambivalent about what I had been going through since I arrived here in the United Kingdom, to be more specific, the town of Coventry. You see, previously, I had thought that everything about studying in the UK is totally different compared to studying in IPTA in Malaysia, but now it seems that they are rather similar in several aspects.

1) Nothing in this world is perfect. At first, I thought that this University that I am currently studying in was flawless, impeccably efficient and trouble-free. To my disappointment due to my forgetfulness, this University is almost like any other IPTAs in Malaysia (this is my opinion and I am entitled to express my opinion whenever, however and wherever I like, sorry to anyone who was offended by it). What I meant here was that this University also has its own problems and flaws. But, of course, compared to some of Malaysian IPTAs, I believe that Warwick fares a little bit better.

After studying in IPGM Ipoh for two years, I am grateful that the facilities here are better and more sufficient for us student to study comfortably. However, I would not trade the experience that I had gained in IPGM Ipoh for anything as they are precious and priceless.

2) Another dilemma that I am currently facing is the difficulty to adapt to sharing. To be frank, I am not fond of sharing unless with those who I am really close with, which posed problem for me to adapt to the fact that I am living in a house of five people. It seemed hard for me to ask for other peoples' help, even though I would love to help other people. I am also not used to ask for things such as food from other people (except close ones), but I really do not mind much about other people asking from me (of course there is a boundary for it right?). It is so hard for me (especially as my knowledge in cooking is almost zero).

3) I still remember perfectly well what one of my lecturer used to said to us back in Ipoh. He said that the government is sending you to UK so that you can immerse yourself with the culture and mingle around with native speakers of English. The issue here is that, in the class, everyone is a Malaysian, at the hostel, everyone is also a Malaysian. Do not get me wrong here. It is not like I hate Malaysian or something as such, it just that what is the point of going to the UK to obtain a degree if we only mix around Malaysian students. Of course I can join any societies here, but, that would cost quite a lot of money (same goes for sports). I might as well studies in UPSI if I only rub along with fellow Malaysians.

3) And maybe the most crucial of all is that I cannot help but to think of Malaysian Ringgit every time I wanted to buy something. This resulting in everything seemed so expensive as I kept converting the price to Malaysian Ringgit. Consequently, it hindered me from buying things and doing my shopping happily as I have to keep on checking my wallet every few minutes while shopping. Of course this is good as it helped me to keep my expenditure in check. But still...

Please, just shut our mouth sometimes...

So, HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI is here again, (SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI to all my relatives, friends and acquaintances, my deepest apologies for all my sins and wrong doings). And, as usual, we (my family), went back to my late grandparents' house for the usual family gathering. Honestly, I am not that keen about family gathering. There are many reasons for this:

1) There will be bad mouthing here and there. In that corner, one group will be talking badly about this group or people, and in other corner, another convention about this or that particular person. How horrible... this is Raya, please, just shut our mouth about all those bad talks...

2) The house will be quite packed with people, and it is important to note here that I do not like to be crammed inside a house with many people (unless the house is a mansion or at least a manor with dozens of rooms to spare), shared bathrooms with many people (queuing up for bathrooms), here and there, almost everywhere got people, really, it is troublesome some times... no privacy...

3) As the house is not mine, I will have to abide by the house rules and regulations. Do not get me wrong, I am fine with rules and regulations, but some rules are quite old-fashioned and really does not seem necessary. I cannot sleep as early as most people, so, I fill up the time reading, but here (in this house), whenever people sleep, it must be really dark and therefore no light can be permitted. This restricted me from reading. In the end, I was forced to lie down and just stare around in the dark. What a waste of time. (There is no internet connection here, so, pointless to switch on my laptop) How bored...

4) I was forced to go out of the room and be around the "masses" by my mother. I am not against mixing with other people, really, but you cannot expect me to mix around all the time. Not all people are suitable for me to mix around with. I almost suffocate there. Where is the freedom...

Of course, there is also some advantages of family gathering:

1) Catch up with the latest news of our relatives

2) Consolidating the family bond

3) Receive some "Duit Raya" (which has dwindled a lot if compared with during my childhood) (oklah, Alhamdulillah, who wanted to gave out money to other people just like that right?)

4) etc...